It’s pretty easy to accept a Monday when it’s a short week. This being the week of Thanksgiving, we get Thursday and Friday off.
I’m not sure if I was imagining things, or if Kayla was truly being awkward on the ride to school Monday, but my attempts at being a goofball, was not lifting her quiet demeanor. A rather unusual demeanor for her to wear. She insisted she was overtired and not feeling well.
By lunchtime, she seemed to be in a better place. The three of us joked and talked, and had a generally good time. Just like things had been, only a few weeks ago. Kayla admitted to her lack of enthusiasm toward Thanksgiving. Being Canadian and all. She was happy for a three day week, none the less.
Mark and I had made plans for a sleepover at his house on Black Friday. He was trying to get me to commit to Saturday as well, but I couldn’t give him a definite green light.
Kayla came directly over after school. I fixed us a little snack, and we went up to my room. She sprawled herself out on my bed and I sat on my computer chair. I still couldn’t read her vibe to clearly, so I was playing it safe. As I sat there, I worked myself into an even more confused state of mind. Was sitting on the chair, away from her, the right or wrong thing to do? I’m not too good at this relationship/how to act stuff. Sensing my inner conflict, Kayla called me out.
“Daniel? What’s going on over there? It seems like you’ve got something on your mind.”
“I…oh I. I’m just thinking. Yeah.”
“Just…I don’t know how to say it. You’ll think I’m dumb.”
“I doubt that. What is it?”
“Umm…like I didn’t know if you wanted me to sit by you on the bed, or over here, like away from you.”
After a bit of silence, I couldn’t take the vague answer she provided, so I said “that’s it? Oh?”
“Well, what do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know? Maybe where you’d like me to sit?”
“It’s your room Daniel. You should sit where you want. I don’t control what you do.”
“Yeah but…I don’t know, maybe I’m just crazy or something.”
“I think you’re just overthinking Daniel. Don’t try so hard. Be yourself.”
“I just want to make you happy.”
“Make me happy? Why don’t you make you happy?”
“Ughh…do you want me to sit over there or stay here?”
“Where do you want to sit?”
“Then just do it. Seriously, is this how you are going to be all the time now Daniel? Please stop. You’re creeping me out. Nothing’s changed ok? I’d like to think we’ve only gotten closer. That’s it. Not too complicated, right?”
I got up and slowly walked over to the bed, my eyes downcast.
“I’m sorry…I just don’t have a lot of experience or whatever…”
Kayla took my hands and guided me down, resting my head on the pillow next to her. She laced her fingers through my hand and kissed me on the cheek.
“That’s better, right? I’d always prefer to have you lay next to me, instead of across the room.”
That evening I went with my mom and sister to the grocery store. My mom was hosting Thanksgiving this year, and she wanted help filling up the cart. It’s amazing how much stuff you can buy for one stinking meal. She spent almost two hundred bucks. I got all of my supplies to make two of my locally famous caramel apples pies. Trust me, if you ever get a slice of the pie I make, you will suddenly want to hug and kiss me. It’s that good.
I ended up in my room again that night, sitting in front of my laptop. Reading a couple more chapters of Rent Boy. I wandered into the message board for the first time too. I was really amazed at how much was going on in there. There was this large community of people in there. Friends talking and telling stories. There was all different kinds of people, from different place around the world. There was even two kids in there. Maybe even more, but two for sure. I wanted in, but I had no idea in the world what to say. I read in some of the comments, that both of the young guys had started blogs of their own. It was starting to get late, so I decided I would check out those two blogs the next night. I had this strange feeling that there was a place in community for me. I can’t explain it in a way that would make any sense. It was just something I felt in my heart.