It’s short, but I’ve been busy. It also was the only place to stop without making it very long. Meaning a few more days to wait…
If you’re the type of person who believes in vibe and energy and auras, the next four days would have spelled doom and gloom. The combined filth coming off of Mark, Kayla, and me would have made your average group of emo kids look like Barney the Purple Dinosaur and his merry band of idiots. We were like a slow moving tidal wave of suffering. We took from one another, the depressed energy that the others offered. We interacted, in a sense, but it was all normal, routine functioning. One word answers, for the occasional question that would come up. We sat next to each other at lunch, because it’s what we’ve always done, but it wasn’t how it normally was. It didn’t feel like it normally felt. It was forced and uncomfortable.
I can’t speak for the others, in terms of where the dread came from, but for me, it hit on all sides. Kayla, for the distance she was creating and her sudden change of personality. With Mark, it was inability to apologize for what he’d done and his desire to hold a grudge. The energy I put back into the mix, was the recycled junk energy I received. The whole thing was so diseased. Suffocating. It hurt to breathe. A little bit of my former self was warming it’s way to the front of my brain. The voice that said ‘none of this exists, when you are a loner. It’s so much easier to be alone.’ I can’t deny that there was truth in that. Things were a lot less complicated and there was a lot less drama, when I relied only on the company of myself.
The week trudged along until the welcoming shrill of the final Friday bell danced through my ears. A final bus ride back to the wilderness, and I was free. Free to detox the sickness and hope for a better next week. We neared the final turn into our development, when Kayla spoke. A rare occurrence.
“Are we still in for tomorrow?”
“Hmmpphh. Umm…yeah…sure…if you…if you want to.”
“Yes. I do. I promise I’ll be better. It’s just…it’s just been…a really, really hard week. I need tomorrow. I need to have fun.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
The bus pulled to the curb and we climbed off. Kayla grabbed my fingertips and smiled. The first smile I’d seen all week.
“See you tomorrow Daniel.”
I had two hours until my hockey scrimmage against a team of rich kids from the suburbs to the west. They always had the nicest equipment, and the best uniforms, but they usually weren’t that hard to beat. All show and no go. They were coming into our barn tonight. A far different experience compared to their multi-sport complex, complete with an overhead, giant scoreboard. The mood I’ve been in this week, one of these cake-eaters might get hurt, if he gets chippy.
Mark has taken to sitting a safe distance from me in the locker room. I can always feel his eyes, when he stares at me. What the Hell does he want anyway? When I look back his way, he hides his eyes, turns the other way. I can’t easily read his facial expression either. No emotion, just blank.
We pretty much dominated the scrimmage from start to finish. They didn’t keep score, but it had to be like 10-2. Not much of a challenge at all. I think Mark scored a few goals, but I honestly wasn’t paying much attention.
I got home, showered, ate some leftovers, and shut myself in my room. I read my blogs and checked my email. I got another one from AJ. It gave a very detailed step by step process for getting set up with IM. He said over and over again, that it was 100% up to me. I liked that he gave me that power, and didn’t pressure me in any way. I was too tired and lacking the attention to detail, to go through all of that right then. I thanked him and said I’d probably work on it over the weekend.
I ended with my traditional Rent Boy reading. It was as good as it always was. How these boys could live in such a miserable situation, but remain so kind and dedicated to each other, was really inspiring. I couldn’t help but wonder if there were really people like this out there, somewhere? A group of runaways with such open and kind hearts.