The Show Must Go On…

When I started this little (big) adventure, I figured it would take maybe a couple months. That I would write down some high points and low points, and move on. I had no idea that it would become this all-encompassing behemoth of life altering memories. If I entered this thing half-assed, I certainly am not coming out the other side that way. 
For the most part, this story has been the central focus in my life. That is, until I shut it down completely, about a month ago. I have that type of personality that is “all in.”  I jump from obsession to obsession. From art, to music, to reading, etc…
When I came up with this idea, it danced around my head for a few months, until it was catapulted to my “latest obsession”, primarily because of the stories of two other writers I follow online. Cody Snowe (Twinergy) and Comicality (gayauthors.com.) So I jumped in. Head first. 
I’m well aware of the catharsis that is commonly associated with writing personal material. History. Memories. I was hoping for some closure and understanding through this process. What I got, was far from cathartic. 
The act of prying open my well sealed closet, and deeply buried memories, brought me sadness and regret. Shame. By the time I completed the last chapter of book one, I was in a serious funk. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t do much of anything but think of how much of an idiot I was. How I could take a collection of petty, youthful problems, and nearly throw it all away. They say “live and learn.”  Well, I almost didn’t give myself that chance. 
No life is a completely open book. We all have our secrets. I had protected my attempted suicide, tucked away so deeply. A very select few knew about it.  Mostly, those who were there. The ones I couldn’t  hide it from. I never told anyone I met online. I’ve never told anyone who I met after moving in with my uncle. My cousin doesn’t even know. 
Then, I wrote about it. I exposed my greatest secret. It didn’t make me feel good. It didn’t make me feel bad either. It just makes me feel different. I’m one of them. The stigma and all. I dare anyone of you to tell me you don’t look at me a little different now. I don’t blame you. It’s a natural reaction. I won’t try to predict your unique judgements and thoughts or feelings on it, but it definitely changes things. Changes people and relationships. 
I seriously thought about ending my writing venture with the end of book one. It ripped me wide open and took me some time to put myself back together. The thing is, the story doesn’t end there. It actually gets worse, before getting better. I feel this need to throw myself to them wolves, yet again. Willfully unzip the shroud around my fragile heart and take the pain. I survived it once, I’ll survive it again. 

I have no illusions about this reaching a larger audience. I do realize this is a cozy little corner in the big picture. But maybe, just maybe…somewhere there is another silent reader, like myself, who is reading this. And maybe this reader can identify with my story. Maybe somewhere within these untrained words, there are a few phrases or ideas, that can lend a hand, or a cyber hug. Words that say, “I’ve been there. You’ll get through this. I’m on your side. I know what it’s like. I’ve been there. Choose life.”
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16 responses to “The Show Must Go On…

  1. I don’t look at you differently now, I just have more empathy for you. It doesn’t change how I think of you except I think I have a better understanding of what you have dealt with in your life.

    I’m sorry writing about it caused you so much trauma, I had hoped it would take some burden away from you. I’m sorry it didn’t make you feel good. I hope your fragile heart will become less so.

    I wonder now how it could get worse. I suspect is has to do with Daniel’s father abandoning the family without providing support and the loss of the house.

    I sure want to know the whole story of Daniel’s life (and yours of course) and I hope you can bring yourself to finish it or at least bring it up to date. But if it is going to cause you difficulties to relate it, I hope you will make the right choice whether to continue or not. I’ll understand if you can’t do it. I want what is best for you. – Aof

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  2. Hey David.

    I was impressed with your willingness to bare all from the beginning, and I too thought it would be good for you. There are some experiences in my life that going back over years later has helped me to get over them. But there are also some things I don't know if I'll ever get past. I've tried talking about them, but all it ever does is drag me back down to that horrible place.

    I still admire you for spilling your soul to all of us faceless names out here in cyberspace. You're right, this new information does change how I look at you. But it's not in a negative way. I've always known you were a strong person, but to know now how far down you were, and how far you have climbed back up is admirable. You are a smart, well balanced, caring man that can accomplish anything you set your mind to.

    So yeah, I see you a little different, but it just further proves how awesome you are.

    Granted, that's all based off of what you allow us to know, so maybe you are a complete wreck and we don't know it, but I highly doubt it.

    I hope you do continue to write this captivating story. I'm sure there is some silent reader (more than one) that has and will continue to benefit from your experience.

    I hope you're able to pull yourself out of the funk writing has put you in, and school doesn't stress you out too bad. At least we know you'll be fine in English! Haha

    I truly do hope you're doing alright, and I'm here if you ever want to talk.

    143

    _Kevin

    P.S. Not to rub it in or anything, but you totally missed a great show on Saturday! Bob Mould was amazing, and Doomtree were way better than I thought they'd be (it was my first time seeing them). Sorry you couldn't go. Next time!

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  3. David,
    Many of us are on this journey with you. Many of us can identify with your experiences in so many ways. I know that it can be hard to write the hard stuff.

    I do hope you will continue. Mostly because I think that even if it reopens the wounds, the catharsis will help heal them, even if it isn't immediately evident.

    Oh man, and like Andy, I heard some awesome music this weekend! I'll invite both of you along next year if you want to come (Andy knows what I am talking about!).

    Peace <3
    Jay

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  4. Well, I got to hear myself banging on the piano, so that was awesome…(it was Kev who saw the live music.)

    You know, I've been seeing a new chiropractor for several weeks, due to a snow tubing wipeout I had last winter.

    I was in mucho pain, so the prospect of relief was great. But after the first couple of treatments, the pain got *worse*!!!

    But just yesterday, I had the best day since I started treatment…I am getting better!!!

    Sometimes you just gotta grit your teeth and fight through it…and in the middle of it, you gotta learn to dissociate (I'm pretty sure you know how to do that already.)

    So hang in, don't spend too much time on self-pity (a little bit is ok), keeping moving forward, look for opportunities…

    I am glad you wrote this, mainly because I got a chance to know you a lot better than I did before.

    🙂

    -Andy

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  5. Hello David
    I'm not quite sure what – if anything – I can productively say, despite having thought about your post all day. As Jay said, I can identify with a goodly amount of what you've written about hitherto, the hiding, the confusion, the feeling of your own situation being overwhelming, even if, in the great scheme of things, the world might consider your issues as unimportant. When I started my blog, one of my aspirations was to help that 'one person', to let them know that they weren't the only one in the world who felt the way that they did. Have I succeeded? I've no idea. Is it worth the effort? I really think so. I, personally, would like your story to continue. But only if it's the right thing for you. And you're the only one who can make that decision.

    Love & best wishes
    Sammy B

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  6. You know, I've never watched any “Breaking Bad,” because I don't have cable.

    I just found out that Brian Cranston was the same dude who played the dad in “Malcolm In The Middle.”

    Holy shit…talk about 2 diametrically opposed characters!!! He's a *great* actor (I heard him on an NPR interview.)

    And how about Frankie Muniz having 2 mini strokes…dude is only 28 or so!

    🙂

    -Andy

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  7. Dear David,

    1.) – I LOVE the larger type on your last couple of posts.My latest prescription “4-eyes” are pushing 8+ years, and I'm using my “super Granny's” to read tiny type at the traditional 13 inch reading distance, where I used to be able to read topographical mapping as close as 4 inches with these “Coke bottles” I'm now wearing.

    2.) – The decision to nix it or carry on is totally in your control. At least you don't use your full name like I foolishly did with Google (the bastards). I would like nothing more than to get own personal “sexuality thing” off my chest, and onto a blog post; but I fear that everyone on both sides of the “sexuality wall” will bust out laughing, while scratching their heads in total confusion. There are no social standards or minority niches that would consider me “normal” ~ I think. There's a little “test post” on another “test website” under a different name (but with a “photographic signature” that would point to me) that has yet to elicit any readers.
    So I understand where you are coming from, but not EXACTLY where you are coming from – if you know what I mean.

    3.) – I hope that you do carry on. You've got some big time skills as a writer, imo; a “sixth sense” that I believe comes from within, that no amount of instruction or training can infuse – “self-taught”, so to speak.

    ………… and then, there's ALWAYS the music :))

    “BZ” …………………. “FOGGY”

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  8. Hi David,

    I'm sure something like this does change how one looks at someone, but I don't think that's necessarily due to the stigma of it. (Not sure if that's what you meant, but it seemed to be.) Like Anonymous said, it could just be a matter of newfound empathy. Or someone might be like me, where the person ultimately doesn't believe in judgment of any kind, positive or negative. Either way, I hope you know it's not something to be embarrassed about, stigma or otherwise.

    Thanks for sharing, and I do hope things are good for you now. Good luck with your story.

    Like

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